What is a Love Bonding Style and why is it important?
Love Bonding or ‘Attachment Styles’ and the application of ‘Attachment Theory’ for successful adult intimate relationships is hugely popular in the relationship and dating world right now. And for very good reason…
Knowing which one of the 3 Styles you are (Anxious, Secure or Avoidant) and understanding the way you form bonds with others can provide some amazing insights into your successes (and failures) in love. The unconscious blocks, challenges and painful patterns in love that we previously couldn’t explain or shift so easily…. until now.
[You can click through and take the Love Bonding Quiz, online it takes around 5 minutes to find out your style]
When I first came across the research years ago it was an absolute game changer.. Finally the reasons for all of the common love blocks, self-sabotaging behaviours and disappointing relationship experiences made sense within this Attachment Theory framework (I’m an Anxious Style) and when you get to understand your own style and patterns it totally leaves you thinking “Thank-god, there’s actually nothing wrong with me!” It explained exactly what’s going on when we feel triggered by others in relationships.
Since then I’ve been diving deep into this work and it’s real life application with my Love Coaching clients with some really amazing results. In August/September of last year alone I returned from a holiday in Bali and five of my clients had met ‘their guy’ in the space of a few weeks! And they all attribute their success to the work they were doing on reprogramming their attachment mindset and behaviours (amongst several things) which led to them to confidently attract the right type of partner and create healthy, drama free, emotionally connected relationships. This is so amazing because ALL these women sought my help after years (or even decades) of disappointing and painful love experiences.
So I’d really love to share some of the key learnings and insights as I’m sure they’ll be enlightening if not super helpful for you too.
Research shows that the adult population are categorised into 3 groups
~25% are Anxious, ~%50 Secure, ~20% Avoidant
[If you don’t know what your style is yet, head over and take the QUIZ now and then come back as I explain further]
Securely attached types tend to be fundamentally good a love, and form healthy relationships easily. Although they’re supposed to represent the majority of us, it’s been my experience that most people have tendancies towards the Anxious or Avoidant behaviours, which I call the INSECURE types. And that consistent Secure attachment is actually not as common as first predicted. This makes sense, because our attachment patterns are formed in childhood. The first 7 years of our life are impressionable times and if you ever questioned whether you were loved or loveable, then you’re likely to be part of the other 2 insecure groups.
So I’m going to focus on the two INSECURE types Anxious and Avoidant because that’s where our relationship challenges exist and the real gold in these new mindset and behavioural learnings can be found. Both patterns of behaviours of these 2 groups arise out of fear, but they have totally different ways of handling it..
If you’re an ANXIOUS STYLE
You have a fundamental fear of abandonment and often doubt if you are loved. You’re always trying to close the intimacy gap between yourself and those that you love to feel safe and secure. It can leave you feeling a bit needy, anxious and clingy. You’re likely to be an overthinker and overanalyser and constantly seeking evidence that you’re not being loved completely or that things are going to fall apart. Even if your partner has healthy autonomy or normal behaviours you still might still worry and search for evidence that they they’ll leave or abandon you. It’s a continuum though and you might be doing this unconsciously or in very small or subtle ways.
If you’re an AVOIDANT STYLE
You fundamentally fear engulfment. You often doubt if you can love fully and continue to maintain certain boundaries or distance between yourselvf and the ones you love. This often comes across as being selfish, uncaring, emotionally distant or unavailable and afraid of intimacy. You tend to value your freedom and individuality and feel like this is threatened even with normal healthy closeness. Too much intimacy and you feel the urge to push your partner away or find and excuse to create some distance.
What’s really fascinating is that in real life both of these styles Anxious and Avoidant are highly attracted to each even though their behavioural traits totally trigger and polarise each other! (more on that in another post)
And that’s just the beginning of why understanding and mastering your attachment patterns is so powerful for actually changing the results you’ve been getting in love.
There’s sooo much more I can share but keep an eye out for my next blog post, I’m going deep into the psychology behind bonding and attachment and show you depending on what style you are, exactly what you can do differently and what works for peaceful, healthy, deeply connected, secure love that lasts.
Much Love. xx.